Karan(davasana) knows best and all those dark corners

"Don't engage, suck in!"  Huh?  Really?  Apparently, I am trying so hard to engage and "grip" in karandavasana that I am pressing my stomach out and flexing like crazy.  I'm surprised I don't pop out a poop right in mid-air like I'm pushing out to give birth.  So, stop manhandling the pose, and stop trying to be a boy muscling into everything.  (Imagine me?  The one with no muscles, muscling into poses?)  Start refining.  Start connecting with the roots of my own practice.  Start practicing like me--like a girl.  And furthermore, what girl doesn't know how to suck in her stomach?  

So I try again and again and can't for the life of me figure out how to disengage my fury of muscles and suck in like (gasp) uddiyana bandha (duh).  I've gotten a couple of extra-curricular "exercises" to help gain some intelligence in karandavasana.

Phase 1

1.  In headstand, take padmasana

2.  Practice crossing padmasana in shoulderstand without using hands

Phase 2

3.  Practice crossing legs by oneself in pincha or at wall

4.  practice lifting the lead off the floor in headstand to learn how to engage core

Phase 3

5.  Practice lowering padmasana legs in headstand and coming back up

6.  Practice taking padmasana in tripod headstand and lowering to backs of arms

Ok, cool.  I go to the back of class and commence shoulderstand and think (for a moment) of what poses relate to this that I could work on?  I'm already putting all I've got into bandhas and jumping and lifting and so what's left?  As I'm thinking this, I see the answer is literally right in front of me.  I have mulabandha, but my stomach is sticking out in shoulderstand.  It is strong, but not sucking in.  So I make this the focus.  Not so bad in shoulderstand, but nearly impossible for me in halasana and karnapidasana.  And then I realize all these things, right in front of my eyes, that I've just been brushing by, just skimming over, just letting go.  I make and extra effort in urdhva padmasana and pindasana.  It was hard!  I was really uncomfortable and remembered why I just stopped bothering.  My floating ribs are sensitive and this made them really uncomfortable.  But today I adjusted and found a way and there it was.

On to headstand.  25 breaths there, halfway 10 breaths, came back up, the whole time really focusing on the sucking in.  When I could do it, I felt taller and more stable and I could actually feel my abs working in a much different way.  Then I took padmasana and took an inhale.  Then I exhaled everything out and at the bottom of the exhale sucked my belly toward my spine and lowered down and then came up.  What the #$@!?  It worked!  I did it again and again going lower each time.  Positively giddy, I did the tripod version and same thing.

The question now is:  can I figure out how to feel stable enough in pincha that I can have enough time to relax by belly for even just one second to be able to suck in?  I think it must be possible.  I did it in the headstands...

Earlier, after back bending, my teacher reassured me that the student next to me was stuck in the pose for a few years before going on to the next.  Thanks.  

It is definitely an entry point into a whole other level of practice.  If you've managed to sneak by without making many life changes up until this point, now it comes.  Time to really think about sleep, energy, food, relationships, concentration, emotions, mental state,  trishtana, etc.  But it isn't all for the pose.  The pose is a means.  It is reflecting life changes that one should be making to be healthier and happier just because.  If there is ever a place where a student is challenged to transform, it is here.

In the meantime, other things have changed while I wasn't looking.  The jumps are jumpier. The floats are "floatier".  Krounchasana does leave me feeling electrocuted anymore.  My left heel touches the floor in bhekasana, I don't have to cross my fingers in laguvajrasana, kapotasana is consistent, arms straight in bakasana are close.  The eka padas are actually getting comfortable.  I can cross fairly deeply in dwi pada, yoganidrasana is fab, and tittibhasana is showing much improvement!  I can swing straight legs (with much effort into B).  I'm taking a deeper bind in C and I can see my belly (which is not sucked in) in D.  

I'm in the middle of "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" which makes me want to get back into learning french.  

Watched "Sisters" with Chloe Sevigny the other night.  Really weird.  But in a good way.

Sudoku saves the day

"I am just so frustrated that sometimes I want to cry"

Nope, those weren't my words this time, but a student of mine.  I reassured them that this is normal, that this comes up, that I experience this, and in fact, experienced it just a few days ago.  This practice is about so much more than the physical.  It is a daily therapy session.  (This is why the more I think about this line...

"Today, the style [ashtanga] appeals to Western devotees whose priority is a high-energy workout rather than an inner journey."

...From the April 23rd article in Time by Madhur Singh, I get so annoyed at how some people just don't get it at all.  If I was in this for the bikini body, I'd save a lot of time and energy by just getting a gym membership.  I'm sorry, but what a jerk.)  

And now, here I sit, almost ten hours later, feeling the same way as my student from this morning.  I feel frustrated, but mostly inadequate, or even unheard or unrecognized.  These are all pretty silly things to be feeling, but the practice is bringing them up.  Mostly the inadequacy one.  That is a hard one to admit.  I'm not really sure what to do with these feelings.  I have been able to step back and hold them in my hands, but now I don't know if I should toss them and run, hide them behind my back, pour them over my head, or put them in a jar.  So far, I've been hiding them behind my back, but the thing is when you do that, you know that they are there burning a hole in your pocket.  

I can't help but think that perhaps they are tied to something else going on like the planning for India and feeling a mixture of excited and scared.  I don't know.  I just feel confused and kind of useless and worn out.

Maybe its control issues.  I feel like I am losing control of a lot of things in my life right now and the one thing I had a bit of a grasp on was practice, all neat and folded in a tidy little drawer.  But now with such intense work on those last few poses, I feel like I end with rough edges and the "high note" is frazzled.  

So there's that.  There's not knowing what will happen with my relationship when I go away.  There's feeling like I'm making the wrong decision.  There's fear of the unknown and messing up.  There's fucking George Bush on TV today acting like an asshole.  I mean he looked so nervous and was so unprepared that I just felt bad for him and disgusted with us for not doing something about it,  but ultimately helpless because there is nothing to do.

And then there is sudoku.  A ray of hope.  I always thought these things were so stupid.  Then I tried to understand how to do them and just couldn't be bothered.  And then I sat down and tried to do one and kept messing up one after the other.  And then, this week, I completed one.  And now I can do them.  They are challenging, but not impossible.  You just need patience...Is a moonday coming up or what?