Boobalicious: Figuring out mayurasana

The "girls" haven't always gotten in the way.  I suppose over time I've figured out ways to adapt and use them as a gauge of where I am and where I should be.  For example, marichyasana C and D were impossible.  I couldn't figure them out.  And then I realized that what I needed to do was create space for the movement.  I might have been more flexible then some of the guys around me, but they didn't have anything on their chests that they had to bind in addition to their thighs.  So--duh!  Boobs have to be out of the way.  If I am doing marichi on the right side, they have to both be outside of the right thigh and then--voila!  Space!  So, I know that I'm not twisting deep enough in a pose if the nips aren't both on the outside of the thigh.  

In forward bending you can always go deeper.  I don't remember where I heard this but:

Nipples past knees!

So sometimes a pose is impossible unless I you navigate around them.  Other times they don't get in the way, but are helpful as a tool to figure out where you are in space.  Still other times they make things challenging.  Women have a weight on their chests.  The bigger your cup size, the heavier the weight.  What does this do for the muscles that support that weight?  Makes them tighter.  Sure I can cheat all I want in deep back bends, but what I really need is to open the upper chest.  Not so easy.  On some days, you;ll find me adjusting my chest as I drop back.  

  

And now in Mayurasana, where do the girls go?  Out to the sides?  In the middle?  Smash them?  Yesterday I just smashed them.  It was like trying to balance on water balloons.  Not easy.  Today I tried to pull them together.  But this isn't easy to do while keeping the vinyasa.  I asked Guy what he usually does, he just laughed and shrugged.  Okay ladies, what's a girl to do?

Of bird feathers, bird bones, and back bends (...mayurasana)

Sometimes there is a formula for when you get a pose. You sense it coming, look up at the right time, know the teacher is talking to you, and you go for it--giddy, but prepared. Other times you can't believe it is here, can't really understand why (because you weren't "Yoga Journal" perfect), but soon realize it is because your teacher thinks you're ready, and just maybe your practice looks like it is your practice--you approach the asanas knowing what you're after rather than jumping into a body of water when you know you can't swim.

Today, I was surprised when I was told to jump forward after karandavasana. Let's be clear. I am not coming down and up on my own. But I am crossing on my own, I'm kicking with confidence. I've lost the picture perfect jump back, but I'm genuinely trying (most of the time to get it back). I really thought I'd be here until at least I could lower down by myself like a pro. But I guess I must have looked ready, maybe I just needed a break from the pressure, maybe Guy wants to show me poses so that I'm not dumbstruck in Mysore, or maybe he saw my pretty little flying moments and thought they looked promising. Who knows.

When I heard him say "jump forward" I knew the timing was spot on with my breath and I looked up like, "really?" I knew Mayurasana was a challenging pose, but as always, I was overwhelmed with how challenging it was keeping the vinyasa and in the "correct ashtanga" hand position. I went through the whole thing twice to remember the vinyasa and was gushing sweat.

I have to confess. I have maybe been sabotaging my practice just a little. There are some places where I know I could stick to the vinyasa and maybe be stronger, but I am holding back and entertaining the thoughts and the fears and the drama because I'm scared. I'm scared of what's coming of second series. I'm scared that it will be revealed that I'm a phony. That all along I've just been cheating and acting and never really that "deserving" or dedicated. They (don't know who this refers to) will know that I'm not flexible, that I'm not strong, that I think a lot. That I'm not good enough. It will all be revealed. I'm scared that I won't be able to perform day after day. (I know it isn't a performance, but I'm being honest here, so some compassion please.) And now, my bluff has been called. With all this business of trying not to get a pose and acting really tired after karandavasana and all the drama before back bending and I get a new pose. Grr. And yay!

Again through practice I tried to think "light" when I felt "heavy", I tried to jump high and focus on mulabandha, I tried not to think in back bends (unless the thoughts were positive and encouraging), and funny enough, I felt comfortable and even in my back bends and maybe even good again. I hope it lasts.

One last note on practice: my arms fall asleep every now and then in supta vajrasana making bakasana incredibly "unfun", however, not impossible. Some days I ignore it and go for it. Other days like today I make a big show (the biggest show yet) of making faces and waving my arms about. The pain is worse on the big show days. Interesting.


On Food:

On the way to the shala this morning I decided that the best practice for me in terms of my attitude toward food is this: asking myself "is this helpful?" Every time I want to eat or feel like eating or am around food, I will try to ask myself "is this helpful?" Inside this question are other questions like:

why do I want to eat this?
what are my motivations?
am I hungry?
does this food have a positive affect on my body and mind?
will eating this make me happy an hour or not?

Sometimes the answer will be "I am hungry, this is nourishing and will make me healthy and strong". Sometimes the answer will be "my heart is hungry, I need to eat this, I deserve this". And every variation in between.

Possibly more practical would be using the model I kept back in my macrobiotic vegan days:

Is it sattvic (calming)?
Is it whole, local, organic?

That was, all in all, a very boring time in my gastronomic history. I remember looking at my arms and feeling so frail. I want to feel strong!

I get back after practice and throw on "The View" where they are discussing this recent study on how women would prefer to have cancer rather than be fat. Yikes!