I am and I can

As I began my back bends, in the back of my mind, I knew that I didn't want to do ankle grabbing. "I" could have been my body, it could have been my mind. Who knows? I usually enjoy the exhilaration of back bends, but this past week has been very difficult. I waited for a long time for Saraswati to help me with drop backs. She is on it though. There is probably 70+ students in there, and she is jumping from one person to another without skipping a beat. I don't mind waiting for drop backs. Today I had these sick head rushes that I've had at different points in my life and I had forgotten about them until today. It was nice to just be able to stand there, shuffle my feet, hold my head, and scream from the inside.

I waited for a long time. Part of me wanted to say "forget it" and sit down to start finishing. But another part of me said, "just wait. Just keep waiting. You'll be okay." When she came over, I said, "please no ankles today, my back hurts." (I said "hurts" because it gets the point across quickly even though that wasn't really the problem.) Saraswati smiled and nodded and latched her hands firmly onto my hips. One, two, three times back half way.

"I think it will be okay, actually," I said. She already knew. I went back the fourth time and took my breathed. When I stood up, I wanted so badly to give her a hug, but I didn't. I think she probably would have been okay with it though. In the past, Guruji would give you a hug for a little while after deep back bends. I swear she lingered a little longer than usual in the paschimottonasana stretch (which helps counterbalance the back bend).

Later as I thought about these few moments on the mat, I realized that this whole trip has been a slow, steady process of learning, painfully at times, to let go. And here, practicing like this, the relentless demand on my body and on my mind, there is nothing left for me to do but surrender. I'm slowly letting go of the need to absolutely control what I eat. I'm okay with eating with my hands. I don't freak out when ants are the place mat my plate is resting on. I'm brushing my teeth with tap water. I'm okay sitting on a wet toilet seat (this is huge). But in other ways too, I'm learning how to be softer and be easier with myself. In many ways, life has been like this. A gradual process of unpeeling layers, getting closer and closer to my true nature. I don't know what that is, but I feel on one hand I'm closer than I can ever remember, and on the other, part of me is ready to believe that maybe I am already that.

It seems strange to say that. That I don't know my true nature, or that I can't recognize it sometimes. Maybe you don't go through that. Maybe you've never thought about it, maybe you have. Maybe you've figured it out. Maybe no one ever will. But I feel that many painful moments I have come when I lose that vision of myself. In many ways my friend, Rachel, is exploring this in a book she's working on. (Check out her blog: http://www.embodiedmovement.blogspot.com/.)

Often I notice how I forget that I am here inhabiting physical space. John says that small children think from their bellies (when they have an earache and a doctor asks them where it hurts, they will often rub their bellies). In this way, I think that whatever I'm going through emotionally is hanging our in my stomach.

The stomach is the location of the 3rd chakra (pictured), which is associated with how we feel about ourselves. (This site has a lot of really useful info on this!) It is also where we store the energy we need to take charge of our lives. One damages the third chakra by harboring anger (even if we don't know its there), or by wishing "our lives were different without taking any action to change circumstances". An underdeveloped third chakra can manifest itself in having "a fear of life, in general". (It might not seem like it, being as I'm in India, but it took a lot for me to get here. I never thought of myself as fearing life, but the more I think about the way I usually do things, the more I realize that I have a giant condom over my body. I feel like slowly this has been less and less, but it is still there.) A malfunctioning third chakra can show up in mid-body obesity (that has always been an issue, relatively speaking), intestinal disorders, and liver problems.

Okay, so what to do if your third chakra is out of whack?

Realize that you are where you need to be.

Be your own best friend.

realize that nothing is permanent, that you are not stuck.

Realize that dammit, you are not fat, so stop asking!

Do the things that you really want to do.

take the necessary actions to make our dreams come true.

Realize that I am here, alive, and healthy, surrounded by good people, with food, and a place to sleep. But really really really realize it.

Truly let go of anger and the comfort in being sad.

Laugh.

Back in New York, earlier this year, I had a small breakdown in class. I had just come up from grabbing my ankles when I was filled to the brim with an overwhelming feeling of, "I can't". I'm not sure if you remember what this feels like when you are a small child. I didn't until that day. It is absolutely paralyzing. You are so frustrated you want to scream, you want to cry, you want to rip off the soles of your feet and scratch holes into your cheeks. I was filled with an intense, childlike feeling of, "I can't". I waddled to the back of the room , threw down my mat, lied down and fought back tears. I laid there for a few moments, then sat up and walked out. Just like that.

I probably was under the impression that that moment was in the past, that I had gone through it and that it was gone. But based on this last week, and today's resistance in particular, I think that this is not the case. It is so strange feeling like I have no control over a thought like this. Maybe it needs to just come out and I should sit in my room and cry about it and let the frustration happen so that it is out once and for all. Maybe.

And here we are, back at the same realization that keeps on coming up:

Yoga is the cessation of the thinking mind. Then the seer abides in his own true nature.

(yoga sutras, book 1, numbers 2 & 3)

Its a beautiful day outside. I think I'm going to go volunteer at the school. I'm not sure what they do. I think they teach english. I think it would be good to get out of my head, and into the world...

Tomorrow is a moonday, so there will be no classes held.

For Eric, who I miss terribly:

Led with Saraswati

This morning took the prize for the hardest, most painful wake up, thus far. I think I read somewhere in a kundalini book that three months is as long as it takes to form a habit. In other words, three months is enough time to make lasting changes to oneself. (Maybe that's not the exact number, but maybe it is.) People say that you get used to waking up at 3:30am, that its not so bad. I don't know. I've been doing this for almost a month now and I feel like it is not getting any easier, even with th magic goop. The first couple of weeks you are going on pure adrenaline. Now the adrenaline is gone and the real test begins.

Everything was an excuse to not leave the house.

I'm tired.

I deserve a day off.

I don't hear my roommate awake.

I can't take a shit.

Etc.

These excuses continued as I locked the front door. They followed me as I closed the gate. "Please give us Saraswati today". Down the block they were humming in my ear. I was very late today (4:50) and was surprised to see that there was a crowd of students waiting at the Shala gates. "Maybe they'll cancel class." I knelt down and buried my face between my knees falling into a quick momentary sleep. The lights turned on, the keys turned in the door, the students stood up, the gates opened, and we all shuffled inside.

Saraswati was right on time. She led the opening chant (which I've never heard from her before and was very cool) and began sun salutations. I was amazed by how much her style of teaching the led class reflected her presence as a person. The pace was smooth and even. I reflected on this even as I fought back the little voice in my head telling me it was okay to pull up my mat and go back home to sleep. I just kept telling myself to just breathe and just practice and tried not to think about the fact that it is normal for people to be sleeping at that time. The led class was 1 hour 35 minutes, which is quite longer than usual. It was hard, but really really good.

In case you read this and find yourself in India trying to figure out when to go and eat, please remember the following:

If you want lunch, you've got to go eat before 3:30. If not, the full menu isn't served until after 7:30. The only exception is Anu's, they serve dinner at 5pm. You can still go to a restaurant during that time, but they only serve greasy snacks. Last night we wanted a proper meal and were almost in tears when we couldn't get it. Dramatic, I know.

Tuesday we have off for the moon day. I also think this may be Saraswati's birthday, but I'm not sure. We will also have Friday off for a festival day ( for the Indians, not us). Some people balk when they find out that you're supposed to take Saturdays, moondays, and three days for your period to rest. But when you're practicing intensely 6 days a week (and waking up at 3:30am), you will be as thankful as I feel right now!

In the sun I feel as one

Last night my house mate and I watched a surfing movie called "Step into liquid". I remembered back when I ran away to Europe and how I planned my destinations based on the weather. Its very funny to me that I ended up in New York, the city of perpetual overcast skies and cold winter weather. I really go months without seeing the sun. I always told myself I'd buy some of those anti-winter depression lights, but was too depressed to leave the house to get them...

Other things that can make me really happy on a dark winter day locked up in my apartment in New York: loud loud music (I didn't bring my ipod), Eric (he's in New York), talking with my old friend Rae (time difference makes this difficult). Looks like I'm assed out with only my self to deal with. That was kind of the point though, wasn't it? Eliminating distractions? Learning to be with myself comfortably? Learning to be alone?

I went to bed last night seriously considering hopping a plane to a beach and learning how to surf. (I decided to add that to my list of things to do before I die, by the way.) This morning I slept in (what a relief). A friend came over an made french toast, which we greedily devoured. She also brought the sun with her! I went outside to see if it was true, and indeed, it was a pool day!

I spent a few hours alternating between dipping in the pool and sleeping on a chair. There weren't that many yoga students there, but there was an Indian family, which was unusual. Shortly after we got in the pool, we were asked by the staff to tie back out hair. I didn't mind, but I asked when this policy was put into place. The guy said "today". But then he made up some convoluted story about someone being in the hospital from eating hair that they got in their mouth from swimming in the pool. I'm serious, he said this. I told him that that was complete bullshit and that if they wanted us to tie back our hair they should just say so. Apparently you aren't supposed to let your hair down here. I didn't really know this, and so it may explain the special attention I get on occasion. I think the Indian family were a bit disgusted with our hair being all mermaid in the pool. It is so funny. Bikinis are okay, but you have to put your hair back.

I found myself missing Eric terribly as I sat by the pool today. Less people, less distractions, more time to think about these things. This morning as I sat in our living room watching bbc, my house mate came and sat down. She grabbed the bag of homemade chocolate from up the block.

"Chocolate for breakfast?" I asked.

"I don't know...I miss my boyfriend." she said. I know. I've been eating an unreal amount of chocolate over the last week. That has got to stop.

I though I'd mention here that there are other ashtanga teachers here in Mysore that people study with. Last night, we went to a kirtan at Ajay's, and it reminded me that many people might not know about this.

The other ashtanga teachers of mysore

Sheshadri: He is known for his really crazy adjustments. He does adjustment trainings for teachers, which are supposed to be really good. There is a little cafe at his shala where they make really nice soup.

BNS Iyengar: Old-school teacher. Also teaches pranayama and philospohy to students.

Ajay: Young teacher (he's in his 20s I think). Does amazing adjustment trainings I hear. People really love him.

I've heard that tomorrow's led class will be Sharath's last for the season...

Miracle goop in all the glory (Yesterday's post)

Today was possibly the last class with Sharath until January (you don't really know what will happen from day to day though). All the students were told to go to the 5am class. I arrived at 10 till and there were plenty of spaces still. It is nice not having a feeling of panic when the alarm goes off in the morning. At the same time, that feeling of panic was getting me out the door, unlike now, when the combination of dreary weather and whatever have made me the queen of snooze.


I rolled to my side and grabbed the jar of Chyawanprash from the nightstand. Opening the top, I stuck my finger into the jar, wiping up some of the spicy brown goop. Everyone here has a jar of the stuff. I didn't see the need for it, but people here swear by it. (A friend once told me that they went to start their practice and were like "fuck! I forgot the Chyawanprash!" This same person also said they don't go to practice unless they take a shit first...) Everyone says it helps you breathe deeper and gives you a kick in your practice. I'm not one to jump on trends, so I didn't care about it. But then, I saw a mention about how it is good for asthma and thought, I'm going to try this, so I went to Nilgriris and bought it. And, you know, I really feel a difference.

Chyawanprash is brown with the consistency of jam, but thicker. It is kind of sweet, but infused with many different very strong spice flavors that can be a bit overwhelming. You have a spoonful every day and that's it. The jar says that it is packed with vitamin C and that it promotes over all well being, helps fight colds, helps you fly, see through people, that sort of thing.


But I've been trying a lot of new things lately.



If you can be bothered, there are lots of things you can do here in Mysore to fill your days. I was going to Jayashree, as you already know, for chanting. There is also a sanskrit and yoga sutra class held here at the Shala. You can take music lessons (you can tell when there is someone new because sometimes you'll hear that same beginner's scale by someone learning the flute with Ravi). You can take cooking classes. Anu holds them once in a while, as does Tina. Over at Rishi's and Shailah's they'll teach them if you book. You can take classical Indian dance called Odissi (pictured) or painting classes. You can work on your health and go to every different type of doctor you can find. (A friend just got back from the homeopathic doctor and had a full visit for 75 rupees.) You can work on your inner being with meditation classes at Kumar's. ( he does Osho meditations and transomatic therapy. more on that later).You can live at the salon and get something new everyday. You can get every type of massage or body work that you want. Or, you can take a course to learn how to perform traditional thai massage yourself. And this brings us to today, where I am a guinea pig for Enzo's traditional thai massage training.



A traditional thai massage is made up of a sequence of manipulations that are performed on the patient. In this training, they are slowly going through the sequence. Today, they had just finished the belly and were going to begin on the back, which was actually just what I needed with all the drama from yesterday. Enzo is really funny. He has a reputation for being an intense guy, but he just seemed really focused today. Anyway, he's working on my back and at a certain point says "look at this. She is so flexible. Its disgusting!" This type of massage is often described as yoga for lazy people. They don't really massage muscles like you would expect in a deep tissue massage (although your muscles will get attention), instead, they take you through different postures to help open your energy channels. (That's not the greatest explanation, I know, so do us all a favor and check the link above or go out and get one!) So, as he took me through back bends like you see above, I was of course, really open. I mean, I do this stuff every day!


I said they worked on an area that I really needed, and I got it. After Enzo demonstrated the sequence once, he went through it again so they could see if they missed anything. Then, two of the students also performed the sequence. Afterwards, I was in another place.


Somehow, Enzo got on the topic of how we store emotions in our bodies. (Coincidence?) He was saying how we all go through things at one point or other that we don't fully deal with and so we put it in a drawer somewhere inside ourselves. Sometimes we open the drawer later on, sometimes not. Sometimes, body work brings it out. He told us how he had a couple of violent reactions from people he was performing massages on from the release of a stored memory or emotion that was too intense for them to deal with.


Later today, Rachel went to a transomatic therapy session with Kumar. When I fist got to India, I remember hearing about people going to these and having crazy psychedelic experiences. Basically, Kumar puts you into a trance-like state and you go on a journey together exploring what the source is for a pain you have in your body or another issue you've got going on. Always the skeptic, I was unconvinced by the whole thing. Then again, you'll never see me at a therapist either. However, being as Rachel is doing some serious research into this sort of thing, she had to go. She told me that she was also skeptical, but that her first session was pretty incredible. And tonight, she had a session that she wasn't supposed to speak after.

Thinking, thinking

Sharath: "Too much thinking" (taps temple)

Me: "What?"

Sharaht: "Back bends easy no thinking."

Me: "huh!"

Sharath: "Now take ankles"

Me: "huuuuhn!"

Really works, too...

This is an excerpt by Charles Benson from Mysore Style Photographs by Graeme Montgomery

Thinking, thinking, always thinking. My entire practice was us here *points to head*. Its funny how we do not see ourselves how we really are. For instance, physically, I don't really know what I look like or how I take up space. I run into walls sometimes. In practice today I kept telling myself "this is so hard" and "I feel so weak". And in the next breath something inside me said "you are crazy. You do this everyday. you are very strong. You are here doing it. This is all in your mind. Just breathe. Just breathe."

This little check in held me off for a while, until back bending. Things can often run, but can't hide. Back bends are very honest. Everything was fine until ankle grabbing. I just gave up. Sharath took me to my calves and was inching my hands up to my knees, he was pushing my elbows toward each other, but I was struggling. My feet were turned out very far, my knees were bent. And then I just let go and stood up. I gave up. "Bad day" I told him as I sat down to get squished.

Now that I think about it, I was thinking through the entire practice. Not thoughts about how I looked or about people around me. No, these were thoughts deep inside my muscles and bones. Who am I ? Where am I going? What am I doing? What am I going to do? etc. All these thoughts were swimming in my body and when I went into the ultimate back bend, there wasn't enough space to stretch because all the thoughts were floating around making the skin over my front body tight.

I've heard of this posture also being called chakrasana. A chakra is an energy center.. You have a few of them running up your spine. Each one is associated with different aspects of your being. Sometimes you are really open and your chakras are really clear, but usually, you have some sort of issue in one or another (we're only human, right?). So you could imagine that in this back bend, all the chakras are opening up like huge pours. But imagine that the chakras are clogged and that was me today feeling them getting squeezed. But these are very difficult pimples. the kind that look like they are ready, but you couldn't get them just yet. Maybe tomorrow.

I pulled up my mat and weaved through the other students who were practicing. I opened the door to the women's dressing room, which was completely dark. I rolled out my mat, rolled out my body and felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I wasn't in physical pain. Well, if we are human, than we are physical, and so I suppose that technically, all pain is physical pain, but this was not a pain that I would go to a chiropractor for. The feeling that you get in your throat when you're about to cry is what I felt in my back. A dull ache filled with water that you know you must release.

I wouldn't recommend ashtanga yoga to anyone. It is hard, it is painful. (I once read that David Swenson would never tell anyone to practice ashtanga, but that if people came for it, he would teach it. I didn't understand that until today.) It isn't about asanas or getting the perfect body. What happens is that you are given a pipe cleaner and a bunch of fun looking poses. So you do the poses and when you're not looking, the pipe cleaner goes about cleaning out any baggage you have stored in your body and in your mind. Sometimes you notice a little but don't really mind, sometimes you don't notice at all. But then there are those times that you wake up and realize that the poses were just a trick and now you are completely vulnerable and stuck in a posture and the pipe cleaner gets to reach all those places you don't ever want to face. Its like when you go to the doctor and they tell you to look the other way but you know the bastard is trying to give you a shot in the arm. Sometimes this practice is like volunteering for a bad trip on LSD.

Practice is really easy when you're not thinking. It is really easy on days when you are happy. On days you are not, those are the days when you need it the most. I think Sharath knows this. I think he can see what we are going through by the way we are inhabiting our bodies. That is the magic of ashtanga. You are doing the same thing every day, but every day your body is so completely different. Sharath has been back bending me almost every day for 2 months. He had to feel the massive change this week in my body.

You've seen those commercials about depression. There is that one "cymbalta" commercial where they talk about how depression hurts. "Depression hurts, cymbalta can help". It is true. Our bodies store different emotions.

Many yoga teachers tell students that we store memories in our hips. But we store other things in other places. Int that Ashtanga Yoga: Practice and Philosophy book I told you about a couple days ago, Maehle says that anger is stored in the hamstrings, extreme stiffness is because of mental rigidity, extreme flexibility is an inability to take a position in life and to set boundaries, and emotional pain is stored in the heart. (Symbol of heart chakra on right). The more you get into ashtanga, the more you'll hear about people crying in back bends. Maehle says that the emotional pain stored there leads to the crying. I thought of this as I sat on my mat with the dull ache of crying in my throat.

Maele writes:

"Since our body is our vehicle and the storehouse of our past, we want to practice asana to the point where it serves us well, while releasing and letting go of the past that is stored in it."

Sharath is right. Thinking makes back bending hard. Some days it is easy to let go of our thoughts. Other days I feel like I'm being dragged behind a carriage led by 12 horses. So what to do? "Practice, practice, all is coming."

I've got to meditate, so tie up the cat

Through every vinyasa today I had a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Hovering in bhujapidasana with my chin on the floor, my bandhas lifting, my hands planted, my chest expanding, swet dripping down my nose, I could hear one voice in my head saying "ooooh my shoulder" and "I'm tired" and then the next moment, another voice saying "no, I love this! This is great! Rock and Roll!" And then somewhere I just got sick of it and was like "just shut up, will ya!?" And then it all stopped and I was just practicing.

Sharath has a running joke with me about the quality of my mat. I bought a cheap pvc mat while I was here. I didn't bring mine from home because I couldn't be bothered to carry it ( I like to pack light). Also, people said you could buy anything here and I don't like to get too attached to things like the spot I practice in, a yoga outfit, or a mat. I bought a mat when I got here at Sudha's on the Shala road for 300 ruppees, I think.

Its like this story I read about the monks who had a cat and no one could meditate because the cat would be jumping all over everyone. So every day, before meditation, someone would go out and tie up the cat and then they would go meditate. It went like this for years, until one day, the cat died and the monks realize they can't meditate because tying up the cat had become part of the ritual of meditating.

So I got to back bending, did my drop backs, did the ankle grabbing. As I went to sit down, Sharath said, "I'm saving money...to buy you a new mat!" Every few days he says something like this. But I don't know where he expects me to buy a new mat here. He had pointed to the mat belonging to the girl next to me and said, "like that." But, really, where are you going to buy a Manduka mat in mysore?

I was riding on the back of a friend's bike closing my eyes and enjoying the motions of the ride and the wind on my face when she stopped short and said, "fucking Indians don't know how to drive!" In that moment, I realized how used to India I have become. On the car ride from Bangalore to Mysore when I first arrived, I was so in awe of everything. Even though I wanted to sleep, I couldn't. I wanted to remember every street sign, every face, every color and smell. Today I looked around on the bike and tried to separate things that I saw that were different from life back home and things that were the same. I saw the billboards, the quality of the images, the wording. The people by the side of the road, a woman braiding her daughter's hair on the corner. The rickshaws, the smell of exhaust. The fear I had the first time I sat on the back of a bike.

Driving in India is very unique. You don't look back, you just drive. You have to be 100% mindful to watch what's happening in front of you, but you never look back. You honk your horn to let everyone know you're coming or passing by, or that you see them. Or you honk your horn because it feels really good to scream. You don't get mad when someone honks at you or passes you or cuts you off. It just means that that is their pace and this is yours and you're just doing it.

I miss vegetables. Leafy greens. Broccoli.

Surrender, Surrender

Health update:
I got a call from my grandma last night while I was sleeping but couldn't read the clock because, well, I was sleeping. When she called back at 3:30am, we had a few sentences when she told me she was worried about my health and wanted to know how skinnny I was.

Grandma: I'm doing just fine, don't worry!

Moments later, my alarm went off, and as much as I didn't want to, I got up and turned on the water heater. On mornings like the last few, I really have to psych myself up to practice. "Yay! I get to go practice! Here I am in India, doing it! Hooray!" etc. etc.

Despite being awake and doing all my pre-practice rituals, I felt so heavy in practice today. I couldn't really get a full breath and I had a tightness from my belly all the way up to the space between my ribs and shoulder on the right side of my chest. I could barely get in a weak uddiyana bandha and there was no space in marichis. I farted a few nasty ones, even though I had emptied out before practice. I felt realy bad for the people practicing next to me--sorry guys! I just knew the whole time that my backbends would be shit because the heaviness in my belly makes stretching the front body very uncomfotable. I took my three, then did three drop backs, which were normal. Then I had Saraswati for backbending. Part of me said "just let go", another part said "I don't want to do this today", but before I knew it, I was there, doing it. My mind had shut off and was just witnessing my body say "fuck you". It was just what I needed. It wasn't a beautiful backbend, by any standards, but sometimes you just have to get in there and rip the bandaid off quick, even though you don't want to.

I went to the dressing room for finishing feeling very frustrated. It wasn't the practice at all. It was me. I was just so pissed off at my body, my stomach in particular. I've always had various stomach and digestive issues and back home, do a lot to control them. I'm vegan, gluten free, caffeine-free, sugar-free, partially hydrogenated soybean oil-free, organic, local, seasonal, etc...But when I started talking to my housemate about this, before I even got through the first sentence, she said "you can't control it." Exactly. There's nothing I feel like I can do. There's nothing I can do. I think its coming from here (pats head) and here (pats heart). I had two eggs over easy with fenugreek rotis, tomato chutney, and sauteed veggies for breakfast. It was fabulous.

Some days you do so much for your practice during practice. Some days you do absolutely nothing for the practice, instead it does things for you. After dragging myself (thats a bit dramatic, I admit) through practice, I came home for a 2 hour savasana and then ran to the toilet. My body had to get something out. I feel so much better.

So much of this practice that we don't always see, or readily resist is the amount that we have to just surrender. You have to surrender to what you think you can do, to what you are able to do, you have to surrender to pain, to tension, you have to surrender your ego, you have to surrender to your teacher...Back home, its easy to fight this. You can hate your teacher for not giving you a pose and go to another one. You can take a few days off and blame it on something else. You can buy a new mat because thats going to make you fly. Here, you learn quickly that life is like a wave and it is moving whether you want to or not. You can move with the current or you can fight against it. Being here, in one way or other, you learn slowly, painfully even, to surrender.

You also learn to laugh. I took pasasana on the first side. The air inside me almost knocked me over and made it very hard to balance. Then when I turned to take the other side, I saw Sharath standing there with his arms crossed, just watching me. He had to see my shittiest pasasana today, of course. I took the other side, he walked over, rolled me on to my heals and then said, "one, two, three!" On three, he let go and I rolled back and he laughed. Inside, I think I laughed too.

Full-power drishtis

"The master Shankara reminds us: 'Converting the ordinary vision into one of knowledge one should view the world as brahman (consciousness) itself. That is the noblest vision and not that which is directed to the tip of the nose.'"

I've been reading a copy of Gregor Maehle's Ashtanga Yoga: Practice and Philosophy that I found, once again, on our book shelf. That book shelf is like that room in Harry Potter that manifests whatever you need at that moment. Yes, if you are patient and open to it, the world provides. I had seen it at stores before and couldn't bring myself to pick it up. To many words, too few pictures, you know. But right now it has been just what I needed. It is fairly dense, but the information is accessible and applicable, which is important. He gets very specific about ideas that people often generalize, which is really fantastic. The man has got a lot of interesting things to say, so if you can, pick up a copy of this for sure.

It is a good day when Sharath gives you pasasana. It means he has given your primary a stamp of approval. F, its a good feeling. I remember when Guy gave me Pasasana. I was shocked for a while. I had been doing full primary for so so so long. Or at least it felt like it. I thought I would be there until the end of time because my heels were nowhere near the floor and it takes a very long time to stretch the Achilles tendon. So you can imagine my surprise when after about a week, he gave me krounchasana. Krounchasana looks kind of simple, but it feels like pop rocks in your body if you're doing it full-blast ashtanga style (sticking to the vinyasa, chin to shin, pointed toe, bam!). Again, I thought I would be there for a while, but then I got salambasana...

Today, I went in for practice thinking "yes, these are Sharath's last few classes" and "no, I don't expect any postures". It was so empty when I walked in at 4:30 I couldn't believe it. The energy was so incredible. Sharath was all over the room giving minor adjustments and tips. He even walked over me to check my drishti in a pose--a small detail that could easily be overlooked in a more crowded class. I could feel him watching me in the second half of my practice and when I got to pasasana, I took the first side, then moved to the other. Sharath came over and rocked me onto my heels, then at the end let me topple over saying "mumble mumble mumble krounchasana mumble." And so that is how today my pasasana was approved by Sharath when he gave me krounchasana.

Here is a picture from a really great album with photos of second series led at the Shala. Here, they are doing krounchasana, which is the second pose in the second series of ashtanga yoga.

It has been raining quite a bit here recently. I can definitely feel it in my body and in my moods. I completely missed out on summer this year. One week of short sleeves in New York. Two weeks of pool weather in Mysore. Back to fall in New York in October. Yikes.

Still no word as to how Saraswati will arrange the classes once Sharath is out. I heard that today they moved everyone to 5 or 5:45. Time will tell...

The ancient struggle

Do you have info on practicing 2nd series while preggers at the Shala? If so, please let me know! (See Sept 1 post)

My alarm was set for 4am. I could not get to sleep last night. Some might argue it was the large amount of chocolate I consumed after 3pm. Maybe. Maybe it was just too much thinking. In any case, the alarm went off, I reached for the clock, turned it off, and then used it to snuggle with like a stuffed teddy bear. Off to dreamland I went...

I woke with a start. Someone turned the lights on in my head and something went "shit! wake up! what time is it?" And so my eyes opened and said, "shit! I'm late!" I turned on the light and read the clock. It was 4:30. People start queuing at 4:30. I scrambled to get my things together, the sleep still aching in my bones and ran after Petra to the Shala. The gates were already open and everyone already inside when I arrived. I held my breath as I went through the doors, and laughed at how empty it was. A few weeks ago, there were 3 PACKED led classes. Now there is one comfortable led class. I got a spot, put down my mat, and tried to keep myself from getting too comfortable with closing my eyes.

Guruji walked onto the stage to lead class and before starting the chant, instructed the people set up on the stage to move their mats onto the floor. This is huge. Since I've been here, Sharath has been the one keeping things in check, with Guruji's presence being all that he could offer. But now, he's adjusting a little bit, he's organizing mats, he's added a few extra stops to the "Pattabhi Express". The pacing on Friday and today was much closer to normal. After class, a line formed in front of him. Students were taking turns bowing and saying "thank you". I know that when he came to New York, we always did this. And I've heard that in the past, people did this in Mysore as well. I was a bit thrown off when I arrived because after class, students just got up and left. On a rare occasion you would see someone pay their respects, but it wasn't the standard. This made me kind of sad. It seemed disrespectful. The energy is just different now that there are less people. More intimate. Not necessarily more serious or intense, but definitely more...something.

I stayed after my class to watch the led second series with Sharath. There were only 13 students! It was incredible to watch and must have been incredible to practice knowing that Sharath would be watching you very closely. In prasarita padotanasana, some people have this habit of inhaling into a back bend before folding forward. If its all about economy of movement and precision of vinyasa, than this isn't something one would do. In the classes I teach, I'm always like "save the drop backs!" Anyway, in the led second, Sharath was able to give more precise instructions because there were less students. When a few people did their pseudo-back bend-huge-inhale-before-folding he yelled, "No head back!"

Rachel came here not knowing any ashtanga. She said she was interested in yoga and her mom told her to do it right and go to india. So she did. She has learned the entire primary series in about 2 months, which is really fast by "Sharath in Mysore" standards. It is so incredible to think that all the information she has is what Sharath thought she needed to know. Nothing more, nothing less. It is so special.

My house mate is napping again. We are like children here in Mysore. Many naps. We were talking about it earlier, about how really, we can't be bothered to do a whole lot because we are just so tired. But its not just the physical practice that tires us out. Its like we come here to rest from life. It takes a little bit of time to do that. To decompress, then acclimate, then detox, then explore, the prioritize, then experience, then form habits, then perhaps journey back.

I just read an article in a Rolling Stone that I found on our bookshelf. The magazine is celebrating 40 years of "being" and interviewed many different luminaries that have colored our collective history. In an interview with Bob Dylan, he talks about what it was like to become "Bob Dylan" when he first went to New York. (By this I mean, he was discussing his creative process when writing songs.) He says,

"'What is human nature really like?' Not 'what am I really like, what do I really like, what don't I like, what am I all about?' Not that kind of thing, but 'what are all these invisible spirits all about?' ... Its a more ancient struggle."

I think its important to stay out here for a long time. Its not about the postures, or getting more poses. There's so much more to explore in here (pats head and heart). So much to sort though. My house mate says the purpose of life is to find ourselves.

I'm reminded of the "one year to live meditation" which, for me is a bit challenging because if I really did it full blast, there would be nothing left in my wake. So, i'm doing a more sattvic version because I will probably be alive in a year.

Anyway, if you're in the US, check out this list of 40 songs that changed the world. (I wish I had the person's job who gets to make lists like this all the time.) This is worth a look! Music. Aaaah.

I'm really enjoying lists of things to do before you die. I started to make my own list before knowing there were so many lists. I was happy to see there were many things I already was doing. I'm not sure what is better. Just living without lists and letting things happen or making a list and trying my best to make it happen. I think it is the same, but one way may use more paper...

100 things to do. brass612.tripod.com/cgi-bin/things.html

200 things to do. http://www.dramaking.de/archiv/363

Maxim's list of things to do. http://www.maximonline.com/articles/index.aspx?a_id=4119

a lot of people have got a thing with swimming with dolphins. *shrug*

Interesting blog on the subject:
http://hirak.blogspot.com/2005/05/100-things-to-do-before-you-die.html

Website of stories from people who are actively trying to tick things off their lists: http://www.2dobeforeidie.com/

Movie about a young mother who finds out she is going to die and makes a list. Very sad. "My life without me".

I met a man wounded in love/I met a man wounded in hatred
Dylan. Wow. He blows my mind every time. I'm downloading videos of the 40 songs while I write this and you have to listen to this if you want the full experience. Also you should read this on the floor kneeling on cushions with the windows to your house open and the sound of rain drowning everything else.

And now, Dylan:

Labor Day: Practicing while pregnant

A question:

Is there anyone out there who has information about practicing second series while pregnant? If you practiced here at the Shala or with an authorised/certified teacher, please send me your info. I have a friend who needs some support and has a few questions...

The blog:

Super-expensive dark chocolate, crackers, cookies, Rachel's "homemade peanut butter" disaster, domino's "mexican way" pizza.

Last night I ate myself into a food coma. It can be very easy sometimes to get caught up in things that don't really exist. We create problems because deep down, parts of us really enjoy some of the emotions that pain brings. I miss ___ terribly.

I've been thinking a lot about life and mine in particular and I don't want to discuss any of that here, but that probably explains why this post and some others have been sparse. Long-distance relationship depression is pretty common here. I saw three instances of teary eyes this morning alone.

Being here, daily life revolves around practice. Saturday we are resting our bodies for the week to come. Tomorrow, 5 am led class, 6:15 led second class. I "slept in", and have no real intentions to leave my house. But if the sun is aligned in the right way, I might go to the veggie stand to get more eggplant. I'm thinking of making tina's stuffed eggplants today. (I put the recipe on a past blog). I made a test batch 2 days ago. Some were good, some bad. Hopefully today it will just be good.

My arms are sore. I think I might be growing some muscles--imagine!

All I want to do is hang out around the house and watch movies. Why doesn't the video store deliver?

Discovery: Domino's now has a Gobi Manchurian pizza. I would never be this insane in New York.

Summer Camp

Everyone is leaving. Life in Mysore is now practice, eating, sleeping, and saying goodbye. The few of us still around are excited about the less crowded shala and the possibility of more personal attention, surrendering to Saraswati (because its all you can do), a later practice time, and Guruji adjustments. Yes, it may be a bit optimistic, but he was very peppy last week, and today's led class was a lot closer to old Guruji style.

The energy has shifted in the Mysore community. In July, it was very intense, almost stressful at the Shala because there were just so many people. And everywhere you went post-practice was packed. Now, things are a bit slower, a bit easier. I get this feeling of sentimentality from people. Today with Guruji teaching, it felt like the room wanted to hug. Rachel says maybe we've just settled in, and now, everything is a little softer since we're not faced with fight or flight all the time. We've learned how to deal with situations, how to relax, how to be here.

Yesterday's practice was incredible. The bloating had gone down, the diarrhea was was on its way out, I felt very light, although also a bit weak. I had to practice very slow. I didn't want to overexert myself because without a doubt, I am still dehydrated (yes, I know I'll get the electrolyte powder eventually). But because of this, the practice was so sweet. When I got to back bends, I felt incredibly open. I did one, walked close, two, walked close, and on 3 i have been taking one hand to my ankle, putting it down and then doing the other and then standing up. Yesterday at that moment I put my left hand out, grabbed just above my heel, then said "why not?", and took my right hand and grabbed my right ankle. I hovered there in that moment thinking "FUCK! I am holding my ankles!" Without thinking it. My body was just exploding all nerves surging, all atoms vibrating, smiling from the inside, when all of a sudden, somewhere in the back of my mind began to say, "you are going to fall over'. My mind and body didn't know which way was up or down or how to handle it, so I clung to my ankles for dear life as I fell back onto my elbows. My upper back went CRACK! And luckily, it felt really really good. I let go of my ankles, put my hands on the floor and came back up to wheel. Laughing at how funny that probably looked to whoever saw, like Bambi trying to stand up for the first time. All awkward and innocent.

I did the standard 3 drop backs on my own, then 3 half ways with Sharath followed by what is now upper-calf grabbing. I held on and began to straighten my legs. Chakras spinning up toward the sky, shining light charging. Aaaaaaaaah.....And then up to stand and back to the floor for forward bend.

I left practice on cocaine and cloud nine and ecstasy and bliss. I felt like anything is possible, like I had jumped over a 10 foot fence. Like I could lift a car over my head and chop open a coconut with my hand. HiYah!

Like any high, later that day I crashed hard. Sitting in the living room alone thinking how I wanted something but couldn't figure out what, pouting my little heart out. Yoga is so funny.

The weather is good for being sentimental right now. Its been overcast and threatening to rain. It makes me feel like watching horror movies, wearing black, drinking coffee, and smoking cigarettes with my legs crossed showing off calf-length black boots. It feels like New York. It feels like the end of Yoga Summer Camp.

I also recently saw the film "Guru". It is short, like all yoga docs, but it truly captures what it feels like to be here because the camera stays almost the entire time in Gokulum (the neighborhood we live in). See it!

The best diet ever!

Sometimes you hear famous last words and you always laugh a little to yourself, shake your head, and say, "famous last words", as if they don't, or won't apply to you. At India Song House Monday night, I sat next to a friend, who most definitely noticed my drop in weight and pale pale skin. She had done a castor oil bath the day before, which had completely destroyed her will to eat, so we shared a common bond. I was under the impression that well, if you couldn't vomit the water, you'd pee it out eventually. Another friend had confirmed this, adding that you should chase the salt water with 1.5 liters of regular water and you'd be peeing your little heart out, feeling right as rain. However, this friend said that she heard that yes, it goes right through you, but not the way you want. Hmm.

Famous last words. Never before have I experienced such incredible misery. I have almost gotten used to it. Despite all my resistance, I have decided to see a doctor and an astrologer. I think between the two, they'll be able to sort me out. That's if I can be bothered to leave the house, of course.

I've moved again.

Right next to the shala. Beautiful house. Big, clean, wireless internet, tv, dvd, a maid, someone to do my laundry, someone to do my dishes. I will never leave.

Sometimes people really surprise you. I was so afraid I might shit my pants in practice today in a very real way. Before putting down my mat, i went into the office to talk to Sharath. I think a lot of people feel like you're not supposed to talk to him, but I feel like he's my teacher, so why not? So I told him that I was feeling sick and didn't know what practice would be like today. he said to just do what I can. He really responded in such a compassionate way, that I was taken aback a little. i feel like he really is watching us, that he really does care, that there is so much more there that we'll never know because there are just so many people here.

On Monday, I saw Guruji stand up from his throne on the stage, walk toward the men's room and instead of going in, he leaned on the door so that he could assist someone in suptavajrasana! (Just like in this picture, but imagine Guruji instead of Sharath). Today, he did the same thing, and I heard later that he adjusted other people as well and tried to assist someone in back bends, but they wouldn't let him. (click here for more on this morning). Sometimes people really surprise you.

Many people are leaving, or have left. I heard tina's had like 3 people there this morning. There are lots of extra spaces in the Shala, and there is virtually no wait time at the door. Loads of houses have opened up, and its getting very quiet and a little sad as many of the 'long timers' begin to make their travel arrangements, take more photos, and begin to say goodbye. I'm looking forward to Saraswati's classes. I wonder how many people will stick around. I know for sure there will be at least 4 of us!

Happy Birthday John!

PS-I heard from a reliable source that Sharath also is a fan of the Gobi Manchurian! (see pic above).

Alex on the best diet ever:

tap water. you have one spoon in the morning, one at night, and before you know it--thin as a rail!

Between my diarrhea and her vomiting, I'd say we are the poster children for parasite-related weight loss...

Yoga-induced bulimia

Imagine me slumped on the bathroom floor next to an empty bottle of salt water, dry heaving, repeating the mantra, "this is so good for me."

One and a half liters of water and salt. Drink fast. Vomit water. Feel clean.

Vaman kriya. It sounded like a really good idea at the time.

I woke up this morning at 3am. The world was spinning, I was incredibly nauseous, my stomach was bloated and tight, all I could do was lie there and moan. I was burping last night's meal and cursing my habit of social eating. I laid down on the bed, missing the morning's led class.

Hours later, I awoke with a semi-normal feeling in my stomach. Inspired by yesterday's talk on pranayama and kriyas, i had decided to try Vaman kriya. I couldn't fathom drinking all that water earlier, but at that point I was feeling alright. So I started to drink. I wasn't sure where to do it, but the toilet seemed too bulimic, so at first I tried the "kitchen sink". I was still a bit dizzy from earlier, so ended up shuffling to bathroom, where I sat next to the drain. I kept drinking the water and sticking my fingers down my throat. Dry heaving. I tried a spoon. Dry heaving. I gave up, laid back on my bed holding my belly now bloated with salt water and cursed all food. No food would enter these lips until the end of time...

Rumspringa

The Amish have this amazing tradition called, "Rumspringa". Basically, it is a time in which a young person gets to experience life outside the Amish community to decide if they really want to become Amish. I had never heard of this before, but SO and I rented a movie on it from netflix and were fascinated. What particularly intrigued me was that these kids could go completely wild, and there was absolutely no judgement at all.

In some ways, I feel like I've had my own Rumspringa here in Mysore. I mean, I'm young and getting into some really intense stuff. It feels good to have a bit of balance and even craziness once in a while. It feels good to have absolutely nothing on your to-do list. At the same time its like A Clockwork Orange (original book version), you go crazy and then one day you wake up and think, "yep, what's next?"

That said, I didn't go out last night, I cancelled our roof party, and I woke up early this morning to host a pranayama session with a couple of friend's on the roof. Sometimes you have to see what the grass is like on the other side to remind yourself why you planted the grass on your side of the fence.

Today I'm staring out the window at Rishi's Internet, hoping for a pool day, but seeing only clouds. This could possibly be day 2 of absolutely soaked just washed clothing. I'm off to the coconut stand to meet up with a few others who are hoping for a little dip and some rays.

Tomorrow its back to the led class. They've combined the 2 primary classes so that now, everyone will be slaughtering each other at 4:30 in the morning for the 5 o'clock class. at 6:15 there will be a led 2nd series. Tuesday is a moonday, and I'm not sure if that means we'll have mysore or led on Monday or Wednesday, but I hope it will be mysore. Friday's led class was painful. No electricity in my house. Getting ready in the dark at 4am. No pre-practice hot shower. Of course, there are generators at the Shala. And then, half-awake, I had the pleasure of boarding that morning's Pattabhi Express. I didn't even get a coconut after. I went home, slept, and got asked why I was so nasty all day.

Yesterday's Post- Going Indian and puppy for adoption!

I wrote this out, old-school style in a notebook--imagine!

Today I've realized I'm at the halfway point. I've been in Mysore for 6 weeks. I don't feel like shopping or seeing the sights. I'm not so afraid of the water. All I want to do today is sit (actually lie) on the floor and watch movies. (It is so funny that all the movies at the local video store are bootleg copies).

Yesterday, Rachel and I were walking down the street when we met up with a friend. We said "hi" and he introduced us to the women he was with. They were wearing walking shoes and fast-dry shorts. They had money belts and backpacks and water bottles and cameras. Their clothes were clean-looking and it was clear that they had just arrived, and so we followed standard protocol:
What is your name?
Where are you from?
Are you practicing at the Shala?
(At this point the conversation can go in one of two directions. 1. They are practicing at the shala and so you ask them at what time do they practice and when they are leaving. 2. If they aren't, you ask them where they are or if they are. If they aren't, you might tell them a site to see. If they are, you ask them with who and joke about the fact that you aren't judging them but why aren't they at the shala?)

After exchanging courtesies, Rachel and I continued on our way. Two steps later, she burst into a fit of laughter (Rachel tends to do this). "What's so funny?" I ask. She explained that we are going to have to work on our social skills before we go back to the states because we acted so "Indian" with those women. So that actually, the exchange went more like this:
Your good name, madam?
Your country?
You are practice at the Shala? No? Better no. You go out. Eat lots of food. See the temples...
All the while, imagine me doing the upturned hand finger point, the hand-to-mouth food gesture, and of course, the head wobble.

Six weeks is enough time to realize that you don't smell anything any more and that you're not bothered by wet bathroom floors, wet toilet seats. You are less skeptical about restaurant food. And finally, you are not at all surprised to find yourself using a squat toilet with a bucket and water.

6 weeks here and 6 weeks to come is enough time to find yourself in the middle of a homeless puppy conundrum. Mysore is full of puppies You can't adopt them, because you're leaving, but you want to help.

The girl who recommended my apartment took a puppy form a rickshaw driver who had rescued it from being hit by a car. She said she had to, but I'm not sure what this guy was doing to be so bad that she felt she had to take a puppy under her care even though she was leaving in a couple of weeks. She was hoping she would find someone to adopt it. Everyone wants to say yes, of course, but they also know that they don't want to be the one to put the poor thing back onto the street from which it came.

And so, somehow, Rachel ends up with a puppy in her arms, and the hot potato is passed over to the boy's house. There will be a mass exodus of students in the next month...

Anyone want a puppy?

"I met a man. We made juice."

I have hilarious friends.

After Emma tells us the story of a juice stand she found in the center earlier that day, Rachel and I discussed the psychology and behavior of what we refer to as the "latin lover". A latin lover is a man whose origin is a spanish or portugese speaking country in the Americas and also in Europe. He is characterized by overt sexuality performed in an over-the-top kind of way. It is not that they are hitting on you. Its just that that is how they talk to women. Example:

Rachel was studying in South America. One of her friends placed his hand to his chest and pretended to rip out his heart. It did not end there. He then proceeded to extend the imaginary heart that he had "dislodged" to her. At this point he looked into her eyes and said, "for you". Rachel was amazed to find that when she looked down at the offer, his hand was pumping to the beat of an imaginary heart.

Priceless.

But back to yoga. I'm trying to sort out this new time thing. I've been waking up at 3:30 and thats all I can say about it. I am a zombie. The end.

I've been trying out some new drop back techniques.
1. Hands in prayer, lift chest and go. (the classic)
2. Hands at low back, lift and rock back, last second hands down. (new technique inspired by Alex. it works)
3. Hands by your shoulders like you're going "woa!", open chest like a cloud, hover and hands down. (new technique inspired by Nuno and Elissa. Sounds weird, but really delicious)

I just heard about this meditation called "one year to live". Basically you live as if you have one year to live and are going to die on day 365. I think Emma said she read a book on it, or it was her friend...Anyway, yes, this is a good thing. So what would I do today if I were to die in one year?

Other popular topics of conversation this week:
1. The prevelance of first-urine-of-the-day drinking last year. The trend spread like a wild fire.
2. The strange brown goop that many students here swear by. You stick your finger in this jar full ayurvedic dynamite and eat it. Apparetnly it makes you fly.
3. Back pain. Back pain. Back pain. Everyone has back pain. Kapotasana (pictured). Ankle grabbing.

A shout out to Alex, who has slowly overcome her 2nd series-inspired back pain and is now dropping back like a slinky down the stairs.

So tired, must nap. On roof. With sun. I thought I might multi-task and do a tan and a nap. Very productive around here.

Dirty little secrets

No one takes pictures of themselves doing pasasana with their heels off the ground. Its like this dirty little secret. I think the people doing 2nd and 3rd try to move through pasasana, lest someone notice their heels hovering. Someone told me once that it takes a year to "get" pasasana. I can believe that. It is a very telling posture. You can read a lot about someones body based on their pasasana or their attempt at pasasana. Like an infectious disease, the ability to drop one's heels (or not to) does not discriminate who it may afflict. And so, here I find myself in day 3 of pasasana at AYRI in Mysore, India. Yesterday at breakfast, we were talking about getting pasasana from Sharath, and how it felt for the first time.

"It's like Sharath has approved your primary series." The guy across from me said with a huge grin plastered to his face.

I have used a western toilet my whole life, its my anatomy--my heels do not touch the floor. But I have a very flexible back! :)

Sharath helped me again today in pasasana. He let me lean on him while I got in the posture, then laughed as I rolled back in a little ball. Its all about getting your weight toward your knees and feeling like you are going to stand up. Its all about getting it.

Practicing at 5 am is really nice because you can pick a spot that you want. You can start when you're ready to. There is no talking. No chorus of "you come". It is just you and your breath. Tuesday, there was this incredible moment when the first person raised there arms over their head to begin the first sun salute of the day.

It is also nice because you get to chant the opening mantra together. Yesterday and today we chanted with Guruji, which was incredibly special. You come in, put you mat down and start practicing when ready. This is about 4:45am. Then around 5:15, you r ealize you are the only one jumping around on your mat and so you come to stand in Samastitih for opening prayer. After the prayer, everyone continues wherever they left off, and Guruji stands up on the stage staring at the hundred plus bodies performing postures that he has spent his lifetime practicing and teaching. Imagine pictures you have seen of the Virgin of Guadalupe. At times, Guruji has rays of energy shooting all around him, this is when looking at him is like staring at the sun.
Practicing at 5am is really funny because you get to see everyone post-kapotasana shuffling around like outdoor recreation time at a retirement center. As I sat drinking a coconut at the coconut stand, I saw a friend hobbling along the road. I don't have the best eyesight, but based on his hunch/waddle/shuffle I was able to deduct other like individuals and confirm that it was in fact, Colin. A girl next to me said "He looks like he's hurting!" I was thinking the exact same thing.

Back bends have been good, which everyday, really is a blessing. Not long ago, I did something that totally seized my back. I could barely move. Everyone seems to have an interesting ride at the beginning of 2nd series. Its like a kid sees a lincoln log cabin, knocks it down, and then puts it together again. This is your back.

Ha! Heels up! (see pic.)

A shout out to my homies who got new poses today (you know who you are)
And another to a lovely lady who now is the new queen of the stand up from back bends!

Here is a video of the coconut stand!

The world is not flat

Sometimes things that you see wake you up, rather than put you to sleep. This morning after practice a man sat on the grass by the side of the road. He was sitting cross-legged, and as I approached, I could see that he was missing his feet and that one of the stumps was covered in blood.

I have to start praying. We pray to ourselves before we practice, but part of it should include this gratefulness for being able to walk at all. After breakfast at Tina's, a young man was walking down the road with both legs terribly mangled.

Back in New York, I started having certain back issues that sent me to the chiropractor. When filling out the intake form, I answered questions like "what activities do you perform that are affected by the pain you are experiencing?" My response: drop backs, deep back bends like kapotasana. I had to stop and laugh at how ridiculous this whole situation was becoming.

I've tried before to take a moment to pray over my food, but I have been in the habit of forgetting until the end of the meal. I'm trying again today. Rachel wanted to do something nice for her house cleaner, so she thought she would buy her some of her favorite fruit. A nice gesture. So she asked her what her favorite fruit was. Confused, she explained that she only eats rice and chapathis because fruit is too expensive. It is likely that she has never tasted an avocado before.

Below is the opening mantra in ashtanga yoga:

It is all about waking up. It is always about waking up instead of going to sleep. And then the closing prayer:

I got moved to 5am for practice. I grabbed just above my calves today in back bending (and some of my hair). I'm going to chanting today. ____ poured gallons and gallons of cold water over my head with his words from half way across the world over a pay phone.

The petri dish overflows, the pimple pops, there is an outside world

Last night I saw a movie called Perfume. Very strange, but highly entertaining. I think I recommend it. Very strange in a non-gory-yet-bizarre kind of way. I didn't go to the pool. Playing the part of the menstruating female, I felt fat and couldn't imagine stuffing what felt like my lard ass into a bikini and stomping my thunder thighs toward the water. Sorry, I just couldn't do it.

Instead, I ate my ration of homemade chocolate (dark with almonds) and pined over the idea of my boyfriend and I and our little life together here in Mysore. As you know, he isn't here, but we've been talking about it and anyway, a girl likes to have her "Mrs. so and so" dreams during a certain time of the month. At least I wasn't crying. (But I almost did today when I was watching the led second class. Ha!)

Even though I didn't have to wake up until 6:30, I found myself tossing and turning at 4am. So I called ____. Cell phones are so much like cigarettes. We talked and talked until the sun was coming up and I felt the inspiration to take a shower. Imagine--I have a bucket and western shower, but choose the bucket! India is a great place to bring your kids or embrace your inner child. You get to eat with your hands. Really, you can stick your fingers into food and no one really minds. Everything is made with lots of sugar. You can walk around barefoot. You get to dump buckets of water over your head and make a huge mess in your bathroom. There are farm animals everywhere...

I watched the led second series today, which was led by Guruji. He was really on it. It was so inspirational to watch. Its not that the poses are impossible, its the whole package. It took these people many years of visits to get to that point. They had to sacrifice so much of themselves just for this moment. It was awesome. The entrance way was packed with students watching.

After the class Rachel and I had breakfast up on my roof and a little chanting session with the harmonium. A person can get away with a ridiculous amount of hippie-like behavior here. We forgot the time and it was almost 11 before we were on our way to the green market. Every Sunday, the Green Hotel hosts a green market that features what I think is mostly organic produce and products. People are very serious about the market. There is a queue formed at each table before the official start at 10am. Everyone mentally picks out what they want and if I recall, someone must ring some sort of bell because right when it turns 10am, everyone charges the table like rats on a carcass. This lasts for about 10 minutes, and if anything is left, the booths might stay around until about 10:45. Luckily, when we got there there were still a few booths set up. I want to buy more veggies and things to cook at my house, but being as it is a one room studio, I really can't be bothered with dealing with food smells or the possibility of wild life in my sleeping area. That said, I feel like I should exercise some sort of restraint when it comes to eating out, which to be honest is how I do it around here. It is so inexpensive, you don't have to clean, you get to hang out with friends, and the food is awesome. Could you blame me? Even so, I'm trying to get a few things that don't involve a lot of preparation, clean up, or odor. Like avocados, which they call "butter fruit" in India. I also bought some hummus and I'll get some bread for little sandwiches.

Tomorrow, I think I'll go to practice again. On the way out of the Shala this morning I ran into Sharath.
"You no come today." He said.
"Holiday," I replied. He nodded his head.
"But I'll be here tomorrow for pasasana!" He smiled and laughed. Its a lot like having a crush in school on a much older, super popular guy. He noticed me! *sigh*

Another pool day

It is Saturday, a day off, and what better thing than to take advantage of the clear skies and go to the pool at the hotel formerly known as the Southern Star. At breakfast at Tina's, Emma and I were talking about how there is something about immersing yourself in water after a night of debauchery (yogi "wild" is 3 glasses of wine max and/or staying up to 11pm) that makes you feel much better. Some might even say you feel cleansed. So today, I will baptise myself at the Southern Star and work on my tan. Amen.

Last night at India Song House was a lot of fun. It isn't far from the Shala, but I didn't know that. I "negotiated" a price with a rickshaw driver to take me on a few errands and then to India Song. When we got there I handed him the money and said, "you totally just ripped me off." He smiled and laughed and asked me to call him after so he could take me home. As if.

Around the back of the house someone had set up a beautiful tent out of rice sacks amongst the trees, orange marigolds (?) littered the grass, and over 50 students sat in a circle listening to an acoustic set by Colin and this other guy that I don't know but have seen around. After the set, we had the most delicious pasta meal. I never think to tell restaurants I'm allergic to cashews, and so proceeded to stuff my face with the aromatic pesto in front of me. Shortly after, as my tongue began to itch and swell, I realized that probably I should say something. They made me another dish that might have been even better than the first.

When it got dark, we got to preview the new documentary about Guruji's last visit to Copenhagen (pictured). It was amazing to be watching the video and then to look around the room and see many of the same faces like Lino Miele and Suzanna.

Being here amongst people who have integrated the practice of ashtanga yoga so fully into their lives has been such an incredible inspiration. Every day going to practice is like a new adventure. I feel more and more that whatever we are all doing here is really working.

I talked for a long time with the SO yesterday and might have convinced him to join me here in Mysore. I hope so! I've been looking at plane tickets with a grin slathered across my face and part of me doesn't want to go to the pool, but instead stay around here waiting to talk to him and to try to sort things out that aren't ready to be sorted out or can't be sorted out from here (like finding a sub-letter). Of course, I'll do what I can and then go to the pool. I'm learning to become the absolute master of leisure time.

Book recommendation: Eat, Pray, Love. "All the Americans read it."