Of bird feathers, bird bones, and back bends (...mayurasana)

Sometimes there is a formula for when you get a pose. You sense it coming, look up at the right time, know the teacher is talking to you, and you go for it--giddy, but prepared. Other times you can't believe it is here, can't really understand why (because you weren't "Yoga Journal" perfect), but soon realize it is because your teacher thinks you're ready, and just maybe your practice looks like it is your practice--you approach the asanas knowing what you're after rather than jumping into a body of water when you know you can't swim.

Today, I was surprised when I was told to jump forward after karandavasana. Let's be clear. I am not coming down and up on my own. But I am crossing on my own, I'm kicking with confidence. I've lost the picture perfect jump back, but I'm genuinely trying (most of the time to get it back). I really thought I'd be here until at least I could lower down by myself like a pro. But I guess I must have looked ready, maybe I just needed a break from the pressure, maybe Guy wants to show me poses so that I'm not dumbstruck in Mysore, or maybe he saw my pretty little flying moments and thought they looked promising. Who knows.

When I heard him say "jump forward" I knew the timing was spot on with my breath and I looked up like, "really?" I knew Mayurasana was a challenging pose, but as always, I was overwhelmed with how challenging it was keeping the vinyasa and in the "correct ashtanga" hand position. I went through the whole thing twice to remember the vinyasa and was gushing sweat.

I have to confess. I have maybe been sabotaging my practice just a little. There are some places where I know I could stick to the vinyasa and maybe be stronger, but I am holding back and entertaining the thoughts and the fears and the drama because I'm scared. I'm scared of what's coming of second series. I'm scared that it will be revealed that I'm a phony. That all along I've just been cheating and acting and never really that "deserving" or dedicated. They (don't know who this refers to) will know that I'm not flexible, that I'm not strong, that I think a lot. That I'm not good enough. It will all be revealed. I'm scared that I won't be able to perform day after day. (I know it isn't a performance, but I'm being honest here, so some compassion please.) And now, my bluff has been called. With all this business of trying not to get a pose and acting really tired after karandavasana and all the drama before back bending and I get a new pose. Grr. And yay!

Again through practice I tried to think "light" when I felt "heavy", I tried to jump high and focus on mulabandha, I tried not to think in back bends (unless the thoughts were positive and encouraging), and funny enough, I felt comfortable and even in my back bends and maybe even good again. I hope it lasts.

One last note on practice: my arms fall asleep every now and then in supta vajrasana making bakasana incredibly "unfun", however, not impossible. Some days I ignore it and go for it. Other days like today I make a big show (the biggest show yet) of making faces and waving my arms about. The pain is worse on the big show days. Interesting.


On Food:

On the way to the shala this morning I decided that the best practice for me in terms of my attitude toward food is this: asking myself "is this helpful?" Every time I want to eat or feel like eating or am around food, I will try to ask myself "is this helpful?" Inside this question are other questions like:

why do I want to eat this?
what are my motivations?
am I hungry?
does this food have a positive affect on my body and mind?
will eating this make me happy an hour or not?

Sometimes the answer will be "I am hungry, this is nourishing and will make me healthy and strong". Sometimes the answer will be "my heart is hungry, I need to eat this, I deserve this". And every variation in between.

Possibly more practical would be using the model I kept back in my macrobiotic vegan days:

Is it sattvic (calming)?
Is it whole, local, organic?

That was, all in all, a very boring time in my gastronomic history. I remember looking at my arms and feeling so frail. I want to feel strong!

I get back after practice and throw on "The View" where they are discussing this recent study on how women would prefer to have cancer rather than be fat. Yikes!

Yoga, food, and fat

But, really this is about dealing with control issues, body issues, emotional issues, non attachment, and learning to still the mind.

A while back I was at my boyfriend's parents' house reading Self Magazine on the couch while he rummaged around in the attic.  There was this article about weight-loss (there always is) and they were discussing BMI, "ideal weight", and what they called "happy weight".  The ideal weight was what the women wanted to weigh (not always realistic), while the happy weight was what was possible and healthy for their frame, lifestyle, etc.  You can read the full description of the happy weight here.  With nothing else to do, I figured I'd do the math and weigh in on my happy weight.  

I knew I had gained about 10 pounds in India last year and had lost about 7 of them since being back in New York.  I was a bit surprised to find that my happy weight was a couple of pounds lighter than my pre-India weight, which I had found to be comfortable.  I wasn't "dieting" at all, but was eating very particularly.  Strict vegan, organic, local, and gluten-free.  Post-India, I am vegetarian and more relaxed about the gluten.  My philosophy has been that I'm eating to be strong, whereas pre-India, I was eating to feel light.

Curious about this new found "happy weight" I thought I'd give it a try and see what it felt like. I really thought I'd be really hungry and bony even though it was just a couple of pounds lighter. It took a couple of months of being very mindful of how, when, why, and what I ate, but I did it.  I felt really good!  I felt healthy, strong, beautiful, light, energetic, and who doesn't love compliments?  But then something happened and I stopped being mindful and started eating my way out of the fog.  I didn't put on a bunch of weight--maybe 1-3 pounds depending on the day--but I feel different.  

Again and again in the philosophy and theory discussions, the topic of food comes up.  It is such a basic element of existence, it is no wonder that one's habits around it are a critical piece of the "enlightenment" pie.  I don't want to be skinny or bony.  I don't want to fast and live in a cave.  But if I am very honest with myself, I can admit that I do have some "mindfulness" issues surrounding food and when I am not mindful, I sometimes end up eating food that has negative affects on my body and mind.  I know this is a sticky topic.  Am I a control freak?  Am I a skinny-obsessed ashtangi?  Is this an eating disorder?  Am I obsessing over nothing?  Or is this really even a healthy issue to be analyzing?  Maybe a little of all of it.  Who knows?  What I do know is that I have to take responsibility for my own happiness and no matter what I tell myself, the answer is not at the bottom of the peanut butter jar.  

Okay okay and bikini shopping is on the horizon.  Happy now?

Why I am interested in looking deeper at the way I eat and what I see as problematic:

1.  Binge eating

2.  Irregular eating schedule because of work

3.  Eating when not hungry or out of habit

4.  Emotional/stress eating

5.  Social eating

6.  Boredom eating

7.  Reward eating

Why these are unhelpful:

1.  I'm not dealing with what is really bothering me when I emotionally eat

2.  Ill-fitting clothing sucks

3.  Less confidence

4.  Feeling uncomfortable

5.  Being overweight isn't healthy. Not that I am, but I feel like even thinking you feel that way causes stress which isn't healthy

6.  When you feel like you're overweight, "you suffer"

How to turn this around:

1.  Less dairy.  Although I don't really eat much to begin with.  But do I really need to tax the cheese when I'm making a meal?

2.  Not making any exceptions for refined grains

3.  Avoiding packaged food

4.  Smaller portions

5.  Eating when hungry

6.  Avoid multi tasking while I eat.

Should I workout or something too?  I don't think so.  It isn't about losing weight as much as it is about not letting the eating monster take over sometimes.  

So the "goal" is to be more mindful.  How will I know it?  I'll feel it.  And maybe I'll lose the 1-3 pounds to get to the "happy weight".  Why not?

Helpful tools:

Happy Weight Calculator

BMI Calculator

Caloric Calculator

I threw "yoga" into the caloric calculator and it said that I burn 612.68 calories in one session.  If I ran instead, I'd burn only 548.67 calories.  Ha!  Take that runners!

Apparently I'm supposed to take in 1890.91 calories to maintain my current weight at  my current activity level.  But if I want to lose weight, I have to burn more calories or eat less calories.  I am already very active, so that isn't going to happen.  But again, do I really need the TV snack?  Or the second piece of toast?  And actually, I don't even know how many calories are in what I eat...

So how is this a yoga practice?  It is tapas.  It is being mindful.  It is actively moving toward understanding what is going on internally and how that can manifest externally.  It is about moving away from suffering and toward my true self.  Is my true self hungry?  What doesn my true self want to eat for lunch today?  Or is that my other self talking?

Currently reading:  "The Red Tent"