The words echo for a moment. Tears well up in my eyes. In the dressing room later, I think about how I can't really remember ever being told this before but want to believe that I have.
In our interview this month, Guy mentioned how practice is usually physical therapy or emotional therapy. Today, holding my shoulder, holding my tears, I remember "emotional therapy".
"This is your pose," he says.
I guess I never did really have that exorcism. In Mysore last year, I really thought my back bends were going to shit. I knew that issues were coming up and I was working through them, but I really thought that I had worked through them. I went from happily grabbing my ankles last June to struggling in October (oh Saraswati!). But it has been up from there. Literally. I'm up my legs again, but not without a great amount of struggle.
In the Danny Paradise workshop last night, he talked about how for ashtanga practitioners, they experience the effects of old age earlier, but then are unaffected later in life. You live a vibrant joyous life and then you die. Just like that. So, a certain amount of physical discomfort (this is different from "ouch" pain) can be expected.
The feelings that come up for me in ankle grabbing are intense. Physically, I 've got very strong sensations coming from my right shoulder. But it isn't pain. More like stepping on spilled soda in a movie theatre--gummy and sticky.
Once I'm there holding my legs, drawing my elbows toward one another, expanding my chest, and straightening my legs, I experience a mixture of exhilaration and panic. It feels like I have a bird in my chest flying in a cage (which is my ribs) with no place to get out. All I can think is "my shoulder."
Mentally, I find myself both dreading and looking forward to back bending which of course, is very confusing. The constant devil on this shoulder and angel on that can be tiring. I find myself surrounded by feelings of disappointment, feeling trapped, frustration. This is all after the forearm stands pincha mayurasana and karandavasana. I don't want to say there is drama around all these poses, but I guess there is (since I'm writing about them and all).
Last year I remember very clearly that it was right after back bending that I was overcome with these really intense feelings of "I can't" like the ones you get when you are super upset as a kid. I really felt like a child in fact. I was really upset. I went to my mat for finishing and got so upset that I just got up and left. Second series sure does a number on the nerves. Although these feelings I experienced today might look the same to what I experienced last year I now realise that actually I've grown a lot. When the emotions came up this time instead of walking out (like the devil on my shoulder told me too), I focused on my finishing poses. I did it, I didn't die. I made it through. This feels like growth to me.
Okay, now Danny Paradise. Maybe tomorrow. For now, enjoy some videos!
Danny Jumps Through at Om Factory NYC (last night)
Youtube video: "Ashtanga Yoga -- River of the Soul"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vB055-M6QwA
Danny reminds me of Gene Wilder.
