My last class, my last day

I woke up this morning in the middle of a dream, interrupted. Was that really my alarm? Did I really have to get up? Just as I was convinced that ignoring the blaring sound and journeying back into dreamland was a viable option, something inside said, "Wake up! This is your last class!" I'm not sure, but I can probably say that as I turned to roll out of bed and switched off the alarm, I was making the grouchiest, most pained expression I was capable of. Sometimes I wish I had a hidden camera. I'm such a clown. I'd see myself and think, "Oh no, really?"

I did all my morning rituals, just the same as before. I trotted to class, avoiding eye contact, eyes burning to stay open, just the same as before. I fidgeted on my mat until Saraswati walked in to start class, just the same as before. And when she started the chant, I could hear and feel the vibration of the room, just the same as before, but this time, I realized that it wasn't forever. That, tomorrow, I wouldn't be here standing in this spot, listening to this chanting, feeling the breeze from that window. I realized that even when I wasn't here, someone else would be in this spot, and the chanting would still go on, just the same as before. For a brief moment, I could feel the presence of all the people in the room, and then all the people that had been in that room since I arrived in July, and then all the people who had ever been in that room, and then all the people who ever practiced with Guruji, and then Guruji practicing with Krishnamacharya...I know that there is no question, I have to come back, and me and Mysore, well, we'll be waiting for each other.

As for my last practice, it felt like my first day in that I was hyper aware that something was special, and different, and deserved really being paid attention to. I noticed how at once, my body was so tired and also so ready for anything. I noticed how my body has changed. I'm much stronger than before, and my body shape has developed accordingly. Some poses are a little harder than before, such as hands down in prasarita c, because of all the new muscles in my upper body. In the last three months, my strength has really developed, but my flexibility hasn't changed dramatically. I think that part of this is because I don't really get any adjustments, and that extra push is often going to take you deeper into something that you might otherwise just stay comfortable in.

I've learned so much practicing with the family and living in Mysore about myself, people, and the world. I feel like I was in a life rehab program and I'm about to step out the front door to see if anything really changed, or if the developments of the past few months will fall away from me like post-it notes when the sticky wears off.

I feel happy. I feel content. I feel like I have direction, and love, and friends, and family, and good health. I feel like the astrologer was right. That all the cards are there, we just have to be brave enough to play them. And I think that I can and I will and I think that I'm so glad that I made it out here at all. I think that if you have that spark somewhere inside you, that little voice that says, "I wonder...", you should listen. I think you should go for it, because it will change your world.

I'm taking a car from Ganesh at Anu's at 1pm this afternoon to the Bangalore Airport. From there, I fly to Mumbai/Bombay where I catch my overnighter to New York City!

"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first." --As spoken by Tina on Friday at our cooking class.

Last days

Remember the nineties? Do you remember those little glass containers filled with colorful oil and water that you would turn upside down to watch as one changed places with the other? And then when they successfully divided, and all was calm in that little world, you would turn it over to watch the chaos unfold once more? When I first arrived in Mysore, my life in New York slowly drifted away. I tried to cling onto a few pieces like my boyfriend, being vegan. Others I had to let go. Now, as I inch towards climbing into that car to the airport, my mind is slowly letting more and more of my life in New York back in. It seems very clear right now that I am here, not there. I've come full circle. I'm smelling all the smells again, hearing every scraping broom, looking for the details, so that I can pack them with me as I go. I think that maybe I'll realize that I'm trying to pack too much and that I'll never be able to fit Saraswati in my overhead carry on. Maybe I've become a little part of this place, and in that way, it will be easy to pack, because it is me.

Saraswati taught a really beautiful led class this morning. Some days you feel whatever it is that could hold you back, but you just keep going. You don't listen to it, you just breathe, you just move, and even though it feels like it, you don't die. For a moment, you realize that. You realize that you can do it, that what you're feeling is just that--a feeling. You watch in amazement as you do all the things that you couldn't do three months ago (or what about 3 years ago?), the things you thought were so far out of reach. You notice how much you've grown, how strong you've become, and how you (in a way) always were. You see the faces and the glow of all the people just arriving and you smile to yourself because you know they are in for one hell of a journey.

Today I've talked Tina into doing one last cooking demo/lunch for me. I'm treating it as my going away fete. Tomorrow and Sunday I'd rather not be stressing about putting together the social event of the season, so I thought this would be great. Tina organizes her kitchen so that there is the main table where she cooks, with chairs set up so that we can watch. I think of it as the Food Network live. She tells you about the spices and cooking techniques. She tells you about history and customs. And then, when you feel like you can't take it anymore, the smells have you so intoxicated you feel like you might go out of your mind, she hands you a sample that she set aside just for that moment. This goes on for more than an hour-Tina working up your appetite and then feeding you a little just at your breaking point. This culminates with a delicious feast that leaves you completely incapacitated for the next few hours. I love that woman.

Back in the saddle again

Its funny how from one day to the next my complete outlook on life and mood in general can completely change. A couple of days ago, I was ready to rip some one's eyes out at the breakfast table (don't worry I didn't) and today I feel like the world is my oyster and we should all just love each other, etc. Is this what happens when I don't practice? Maybe. Does a child stop crying when you give it what it wants? Most of the time. Does a junkie look "happy" when they finally get their fix? I'd say so.

When we are really in the thick of that nasty little emotional cloud of negativity and sadness, there really is nothing else. And then I pick up the yoga sutras and the whole thing is like "wake up!" and I say "well, but..." and the sutras say, "just wake up!" and I reply, "hold on, but..." and the sutras say, "WAKE UP!" and I say, "I heard you, but just listen for a second..." and so on. I can be looking at logic, see it, internalize it, and not feel a shift at all. It is so silly. It is like watching yourself perform on a stage and you think to yourself, "I can't believe she messed that up! We practiced that so many times!" Or perhaps, "No don't worry about messing up, just carry on, no just carry on like it didn't happen...come on!" Or maybe, "I know you forgot your lines just look up and read the cue cards!"

And then, just like that, I wake up, go to practice, and the beast is gone. Or maybe just sleeping.

How about some updates from Mysore?

The weather feels like monsoon finally. When I first arrived, I admit there were some occasional showers, but really it was just humid to the point where your towel and clothing never seemed to dry and clung on to this icky mold smell. Then there were a few weeks of dry, clear, sunny skies when I went to the pool a lot and got a really beautiful tan, if I do say so. Since then it has gotten a bit colder, greyer, cloudier, and rainier. We started with afternoon showers around maybe 3ish. They didn't last very long. Then we had late evening/early morning showers. Now the rain has been fierce from about 4-6pm. But even with all this rain, the clothes are drying just fine. The rain doesn't last very long. I don't have an umbrella, or rain shoes, or anything of the sort. I have a TV and a couple of books, and I sit here in my house and wait for the rain to stop just like everyone else!

Practice in the shala has been wonderful with Saraswati. Before Sharath left, people said that she gives a lot of poses and that probably everyone would be doing third series in a month, but that Sharath would take them all away come January. Actually, I've found that she hasn't given many people poses, and the people she did give them to were definitely ready for them. The doors still open around 4:30, but maybe 1 person still goes and waits at the gate. Most everyone else trickles in until about 5 after. There is no waiting at the door at all during class. There is room for everyone and often there are spaces open the entire class. Many of the long term people have left to Goa, Thailand, to travel India, or home. A few have stayed. A new batch of people have arrived who seem to be staying a few months and will be practicing just with Saraswati. Yes, there are way too many women in the shala.

You know there aren't that many students at the shala when Tina stops making her famous millet bread. Yes folks, the worst has happened! Tina has broken our hearts and discontinued the Millet Toast until more people come. And now I can leave Mysore.

The worst horse

Pema Chodron writes in The Wisdom of No Escape and the Path of Loving Kindness that there are three horses. The best horse moves before the whip ever hits its rump. The okay horse moves when it feels the whip. The worst horse won't budge until the whip has made cuts. Most people want to be the best horse. She writes,

"what I have realized through practicing is that practice isn't about being the best horse or the worst horse. It's about finding our own true nature and speaking from that, acting from that. Whatever our quality is, its our wealth and our beauty; that's what other people respond to."

I am the worst horse. Today at practice was again struggling to stay focused, struggling to hear my own breathing. After setu bandhasana (pictured), I moved into urdhva danurasana position. The second I came up-bam! Low back ouch. I've been dealing with this for some time, and back in New York, poses that stretch the psoas and quads in second series have been really helpful. I tried my best to lengthen and yadda yadda, and then moved into a really sloppy stand up. I tried to warm up a bit by doing half ways before the full drop back, but after 2 really out of wack drop back, I gave up. Feeling embarrassed for almost running into someone, I sat down and took a couple of breaths in forward bending before hustling off to do finishing poses with a pout in the dressing room.

I threw down my mat and laid down, swimming in the angry little thoughts soaking in my mind. "Stupid ashtanga with no stupid moving on for a month"

"This is so dumb, I should go somewhere else where they'll let me do my practice"

"I should just finish my practice in here"

"stupid back with the stupid pains"

"All these people coming from all over and now I can't get new poses because its crowded"

etc etc

I thought of Alex, who has been here for 6 weeks and has only just started doing the poses that she got from her last trip. I thought about how I'm the only one who doesn't look completely blissed out right now.

I took 10 breaths in each pose (usually I take 25). I huffed and puffed and threw myself into resting and closed my eyes tightly. I laid therefore for a short while, trying to tell myself to relax, and then shot up, rolled up my mat, and got dressed. Outside my coconut tasted as sour as my mood. Coconuts have been like mood rings for me, I've noticed.

At breakfast, I was talking to Nuno about practice today and how really this is what its about. Doing without knowing, giving up on the ego, practice practice all is coming. It is so much more about the mental in this practice than the physical. And yet, none of this is new. Its funny how things come up to the surface. Even at age 40+, you might find yourself with a pimple.

The sugar boycott is going well. This morning I went to Tina's and had millet toast (its homemade and wheat free!) with cooked spinach and tomato chutney. I also had a banana, soy, cinnamon, and peanut butter smoothie. Very nice!

The plan for today is to get a house! I think I'm going to try for Saraswati's. I've got to pick up some rupees though and some bedsheets.

Yesterday I had a little adventure in waxing and threading...

Part of me thinks that back bend troubles and mental troubles have to do with my bowels being on strike. Part of me thinks that the bowels being on strike has to do with not being grounded at all, no stable living space, and missing SO (1,2,3 chakra issues)...

Saraswati could be sitting on your tongue

Tina says that in Indian cooking, there is no tasting of the food to see if it is right like we do in western cooking. One reason for this is to avoid contaminating the food with your germs. The other reason is that you are supposed to be so completely present when you cook that everything will be just right. I hope you try to make the eggplant recipe from a couple of days ago. It is a bit strange not having exact measurements to work with, but you'll just have to let go and jump in. As Tina says with a laugh, "this is not a laboratory...it is a kitchen!"

At the cooking class on Thursday, Tina told us a story about Saraswati. (I should mention that I am not talking about Saraswati the 60 something year old yoga teacher at the Shala who assists Guruji. Here, many people are named after Gods and Goddesses. It would be as if there were a lot more people named "Jesus".) Saraswati lives in your throat by where your collarbones stick out. One time during the day, she will climb up your throat and sit on your tongue. You can never tell when she'll decide to sit there. But beware, when Saraswati sits on your tongue, whatever you say will come true. It is for this reason that you must be mindful of what you say throughout the day.

Today I'm off to read more Harry Potter. Later, we are going to the Mysore Palace to see the lights. Apparently it is very beautiful and they only do it on Sunday evenings.

If you've never picked up a copy of the Yoga Sutras, you ought to. I'm going to go get a new copy this week. There are many translations of this ancient text. My favorite is the one by Swami Satchitananda. However, many people have been recommending Light on Yoga Sutras by Iyengar. So, Since I already have the Satchi copy at home, I think I'll pick up the Iyengar copy while I'm here for a new perspective.

Today and tomorrow are moondays, depending on whose calendar you are following. We (a few of us students) decided it was on Monday, and so organized a little practice group this morning. It was really nice to get adjustments from each other, and I did my practice which felt so so so good! Primary can really be a bummer for me. All the forward bending and monotonous back and forth stuff makes me feel a bit drained. So it felt really good to do all those extra back bends and heart openers... Tuesday we will practice again.

PS-If you haven't read Elissa's blog yet, you should. She is way more candid that I and she has a completely different perspective. Also, its funny to read the stuff she writes about me! Check the sidebar under "mysore blogs" and click the link!

Yoga clothing and the 3 gunas

It has been 2 days since my last post, so I'll have to recap. Wednesday I practiced, read, ate, and went to chanting with Jayashree. Thursday I practiced, read, ate, and went to a cooking class with Tina. Life here is good!

Before chanting on Wednesday, I dropped Alex off at the hospital so she could get her nose pierced. (Everyone gets piercings done at the hospitals here. They also get a lot of dental work done as it is MUCH less expensive than in the states.) I couldn't stay with her as I had to meet Elena at the coconut stand (its always where people meet up, or the main landmark when it comes to giving directions), but apparently it was quite a show. We had spent the entire morning and part of the afternoon at the "Hotel Formerly Known As The Southern Star" (really, that's what the sign said) lying poolside and soaking up sun. I tried to read Harry Potter, but was quite distracted by the conversations around me and also the glare from the sun. The water was very very cold, but we had a lot of fun. It costs 200 for a day pass and they give you a towel. Its a pretty posh place. You can also get a monthly pass as well as nice looking salads, sandwiches, and french fries. When you spend a lot of time in the heat, your blood vessels dilate, and when you are cold, they constrict. The point? The nurse who did Alex's piercing was convinced she was an alcoholic because she bled so much! The piercing looks really nice though. Apparently you are supposed to get the left side pierced only. I tried asking several people about this, and I got something about it making you more fertile. Who knows?

I found out that at chanting we are actually practicing for a performance on Guruji's birthday. Someone mentioned that they weren't sure they wanted to do it because they heard that if we chanted incorrectly, he would someone was watching and would clap for me when I do something good. Instead, there is absolutely no recognition. In turn, my jump backs (I think) have gotten much better and everything feels a little deeper, a little stronger, and a little lighter. On Wednesday after At chanting, I found out that we are actually practicing for a performance we will give on Guruji'sdefinitely call us on it. (Guruji used to be a sanskrit scholar.) Jayashree explained that "Gurus are here to criticize us ... Even if he says 'you [Jayashree] have not done it properly' I will say 'thank you'". She continued, "if I say you are very good, you will not grow". This got me thinking about practice (although you could apply it to a lot of things) and how I've back tracked quite a bit in what I'm doing. Sometimes I wish someone was clapping for me every time I do something good, but in spite of this, I feel like my jump backs have gotten a lot lighter and my practice as a whole has gotten stronger and deeper. On Wednesday during back bends with Sharath he said "good". Its nice to know he probably meant it.

My Mysore time has been moved to 7am. Yesterday, I got there early, and still there were TONS of people waiting. Alex says its like that every Thursday. People are tired from the week and so are practicing a little slower. Well, there were people with 6:30 time slots still waiting to get in at 7:15. Its also really crowded for the birthday. It seems that a lot of people have come in for just a week and that still others are leaving right after the birthday. But maybe Alex is right about Thursdays. I felt really tired and heavy at first. I'm partially convinced that its just the pants I'm wearing. I'm sure I could argue that clothes can be tamasic because every time I saw my pant legs hanging about, I felt like I was just hanging about. These did, however, used to be called my favorite practice pants. But since I got the American Apparel leggings, I feel there is no comparison. The leggings are close fitting so you can see your bones, but also there is no extra fabric flapping about. I'm sure the fact that I'm hand washing the other doesn't help. i might see if Krishna tailor can shorten them a bit.

Back bends with Saraswati were a riot. I did 3 half way down and on the fourth went straight down to grab my ankles like I do with Sharath. But she was like "no no hands down walk in!" So I put my hands down to the floor and tried to walk in. I took my right hand to my right calf and was dangling there. She let go of my back with her arms so that she could help me grab my left calf with my left hand but without the support, I toppled over like a wheel onto my forearms and then she brought me back up to stand and "tried" to explain to me what she meant. I went back again, this time taking my hands to the floor. I walked my hands close to my heels then took my right hand to right calf. My other arm just hung there, she held me this time and reached for my left hand, instead, she grabbed my hair and gave it a tug (I think her had got a bit tangled). I yelped as she finally got my left hand and took it to my left calf. It was funny. Here is a video of Sharath doing drop backs. Enjoy!

At 1pm I had my cooking lesson at Tina's. It was like an interactive cooking show. She made Spinach dahl, stuffed eggplant, and chapathis. Here is how you make the eggplants. It is super super easy and SO SO good!

Super Tasty Stuffed Eggplants Tina Style
Get some fresh ginger and fresh garlic. It has to be organic. Put it in the blender and blend. You now have ginger garlic paste. This will keep in the fridge for 3 months! You might also be able to get this at the supermarket.

Now get yourself some eggplants. They have to be skinny and long. Preferably they are small (like only a couple of bites long), or you will chop them later. And obviously, they should also be organic.

Take a knife and slice open the eggplant lengthwise, but keep the stem on. Do this to all your eggplants.

Now take your fingers and glob some of that ginger garlic paste inside it and smoosh the 2 sides together. Its okay if the paste squishes out.

Heat some sunflower or safflower oil in a pan. NOT OLIVE OIL. This is Indian cooking!

Throw your eggplants in the pan. You want this to be medium to low heat. Cover them and everyone and a while toss the pan a bit so they get cooked all over. It is important that the heat is low and that it is covered as this will ensure that they get cooked all the way though, not just charred on the outside.

When you are able to squish into the eggplant easily with a spoon, they are ready. You can either serve them hot, or room temp. They are like super delicious and tasty roasted peppers Italian style. This is fast and you will love them!

This morning I was dreading the led class at 6:15. Headstand. When Elissa and I got there, I was tired and moody and a bit miffed that we had to wait outside because there were so many people. We could hear Sharath counting inside and it sounded like a hard class because he went more than 15 minutes over and they had what seemed like a 30 second Savasana. When those students started filling out, we started moving in. I claimed a pot front and center and hoped for the best. We seemed to be waiting a little longer than usual, and when I saw Saraswati escorting Guruji to the stage, we all could see why.

It was a nice surprise that Guruji taught the class not only because its Guruji, but also because he taught super fast and it made the struggle almost non-existent in headstand. I was actually quite funny. He was counting very quickly until he got to 7 and then he just stopped counting. I could hear him walking across the stage and I figured he had gone to help someone. I could see people starting to come down, but Sharath would say come back up. This went on for some time and then I came down and went back up and heard "eight!" Everyone laughed a bit. Elissa was practicing on the stage and she said that he actually had gone to the men's room! After uthpluthih, Sharath said "too easy!"

Many people are preparing to leave soon. Its strange to think that I will be here for some time still!